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| But lovers need to learn: A thousand words cannot work the magic of one pot of egusi soup, complete with meat, ‘assorted’ and okporoko. Present it steaming with semovita or if you can, pounded yam. You will not need to say anything. |
To quote D’Banj, “love is a beautiful thing”.
I have not met the man, but I know he meant Nigerian love, which is a
species totally different from the heresy practised by oyibo people in
the name of love. Our love is not of short-lived flowers and long
meaningless walks in the park. As a person dedicated to your hustle, I
have undertaken to provide wisdom that will protect you from falling
into such heresies.
This is how to show Nigerian love.
Nigerian love is pragmatic. Words are a waste of time. Every true
Nigerian knows how little the words ‘I love you’ mean. Except of course
you are in Europe and need to quickly marry someone to get residency.
Nigerian love is a very material concept. When you hear rich couples
attend events and say those nebulous words, ‘I love you’ to each other,
what they do not tell you is how they really say it. God will judge them
for trying to mislead new couples.
Cook for your man. Nigerian wives know this already. But lovers need
to learn: A thousand words cannot work the magic of one pot of egusi
soup, complete with meat, ‘assorted’ and okporoko. Present it steaming
with semovita or if you can, pounded yam. You will not need to say
anything. He will wear a smile that says ‘I know you love me’. His
friends, on learning that the wondrous dish was made by you, will
proclaim, ‘O boy! Dis girl like you well well o’. In Nigerian pidgin, to
like ‘well well’ is to love practically and ‘o’ as an intensifier for
‘well-well’ has no real English equivalent. The closest I can say is
that it means love to a superlative degree.
Cooking for him entitles you to show your love in another very
important way: checking his phone. So, you have cooked for him and he
has shown his gratitude by sweating profusely and promptly falling
asleep on your couch. This is the time to dive for his phone and read
all his text messages. You will find something. If you don’t, go through
his call records- you are likely to find calls to or from an Amaka
after he said he needed to rest last night. Whether you choose to
further show your love by harassing him about it immediately, or choose
to hold on it as part of your arsenal during your next big quarrel is up
to you. You know what works best for your man.
Loving Nigerian men always pay. There is no exception to this rule.
Not even if she has watched plenty DSTV and pretends that she wants to
split the bill. If a Nigerian girl offers to pay reject it like Jesus
rejected Satan’s evil temptation with bread. Don’t even act like it is a
discussion. Ignore her attempts at checking her purse and quickly
settle the bill. This is true love. This also applies if she is out with
one, two or three friends. Whether you choose to show your love
quietly, by excusing yourself and going to settle the enormous bill, or
with panache, by screaming, ‘How much is MY bill?’ is up to you. You
know what works best for your woman.
As a loving Nigerian woman, never ask who his female friends are.
Even if you find him in a compromising situation with a woman who
refuses to greet you. Nigerian love ignores such things. It makes
excuses on his behalf- she may be his colleague, business partner or
member of his prayer group. Nigerian love is good like that. This
doesn’t however mean that you can do the same. Nigerian love has very
gender specific rules. They do not apply both ways. The only exception
to this rule is if the Nigerian man does not ‘pay’.
Deny her the company of any male who is not her relative. This is
important. In Nigeria, a jealous man is a loving man. If she is on the
phone, watch her demeanour. If she is excited, ask her who it is. By
‘who?’ you mean all the details- name, gender, nature of relationship,
process and length of acquaintance, subject of conversation, the whole
works. She knows this. You own the franchise of her happiness and no
other man is allowed to make her laugh on the phone. If you fail to do
this, even she will begin to doubt your love. You cannot afford to let
this to happen.
Never ever, as a Nigerian man do stupid things like go into the
kitchen to cook. This is forbidden territory. Not even if you are
starving and she is on the bed complaining of cramps. There is no better
way to truncate your romantic hustle than doing the dishes after she
has spent hours making your favourite dish. This is like jumping into a
river with concrete slab tied to your neck. There is no recovery from
it. God will judge all the foreign film makers who have introduced the
dangerous illusion of this being a romantic thing. In fact when you
answer the door and it is your neighbour asking if you have a baking tin
or big pot, vehemently deny knowledge of anything that goes on in the
kitchen and ask her to hold on for your woman. It will be a tragedy for
you to introduce doubts about your masculinity in your woman’s mind. May
God protect us from tragedies.
It is my hope that as you enjoy foreign romance movies or romance
novels, you do not get carried away by them. Stick to my advice and God
will bless your romantic hustle.
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